Chapter 19:
Not many people outside of his immediate family were aware of this, but Taylor was prone to panic attacks. He vividly recalled the first time he had one, and it was onstage, in front of a medium-sized crowd in his hometown. He remembered the waves of dizziness that claimed him out of nowhere, the beads of sweat that formed along his hairline although it was a crisp, fall day, and that no matter what he tried, he could not stop shaking. He nearly passed out in the middle of a song, and if it weren't for his dad who'd quickly ushered him backstage and made him sit down and nurse a bottle of water, he probably would have.
Over time, Taylor had learned how to control his anxiety. He led such a demanding, chaotic life that he had no choice but to beat down any sign of weakness. But sometimes, it reared its ugly head and reminded him that he wasn't superhuman, that he couldn't always handle everything in stride the way that he and most of the people in his life wanted or expected him to. And since he'd been so distracted by his recent divorce and its confusing, tumultuous aftermath, he was hardly prepared to perform in this impressive lineup of world-renowned musicians in the middle of Central Park. Which was why he was slumped in a chair in a secluded corner of the backstage tent instead of actually being productive.
His eyes roamed the room and caught sight of his brothers, who were making small talk with other artists and seemed entirely calm and collected. He sighed and leaned back against the chair, closing his eyes to avoid making eye contact with anyone else in the room and being forced into socializing.
"What's the matter with you? Did you not have your usual sixteen cups of coffee today or something?" Isaac's voice boomed from above him, startling Taylor so badly that he nearly fell out of his chair.
He shrugged in response, although he knew that his caffeine intake had nothing to do with the way he was feeling.
"You're looking kind of pale," his older brother observed, his eyes narrowing. "You should probably try to eat something before we play. There's a lot of stuff over at the catering tent. The mini quiches are to die for."
"Thanks for the tip," he replied flatly, immediately cursing himself for being so rude when his brother was only trying to help. To make up for his bitter remark, he offered Isaac as much of a sincere smile as he could, but it faltered and dropped from his lips as quickly as it had appeared.
"It's all going to work out in the end, you know," Isaac said, his eyes lingering on Taylor and emanating a mixture of sympathy and concern. "I know we didn't have much time to prepare for this, but I'm sure most of the crowd is here for Dave Matthews anyway. And the people that came to see us are probably such diehard fans that it won't even matter what we sound like. They'll enjoy the show regardless."
"I know," he said. But that knowledge did little to calm his trembling nerves. He suddenly pushed himself out of his chair and stood up, stretching his limbs and surveying the bustling room around him. "You're right – I should get some food in my system. Do you want anything?"
"No, thanks. I'm good."
With that, Taylor nodded and walked in the direction of the catering stand, frowning upon noticing just how unsteady his legs had become. If he could barely stand up, he wondered how and where he was going to find the energy and confidence to perform.
* * * * * * * * *
The roars from the large crowd were deafening. Taylor couldn't believe that he'd almost forgotten how insufferably loud their fans could scream. With a bright smile pasted on his face, he jogged onstage with his brothers before sitting down at his borrowed keyboard and letting his gaze roam across the rows of animated faces. The food he'd managed to force down earlier was suddenly tossing around in his stomach as his heart pounded at the same thunderous level as the crowd. But Taylor knew he had only two options - to admit defeat or to give the performance everything he had - so he chose the latter, closed his eyes, and began to sing.
As he sang, he was hit by an unexpected flood of memories, scenes from the past several weeks shifting behind his eyelids like a kaleidoscope, the shapes and colors flashing so quickly that he barely had time to catch his breath. When he opened his eyes, it seemed serendipitous that they immediately landed on Mason and Alexa, who were standing toward the front of the crowd but off to the side, allowing them to have a perfect view of the stage while remaining slightly removed from the madness.
Mason was in her work uniform, and Taylor felt simultaneously guilty and grateful that she'd carved out time she probably didn't have in her insanely busy schedule in order to watch them play. Alexa was beside her, dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a black halter top, her hair pulled loosely away from her face, but she somehow looked better than all of heavily made-up girls around her. She was beaming up at him and clapping her hands with a genuine enthusiasm that reminded him why he loved doing this. He smiled back at her, a gesture which earned him a wave of passionate screams from fans who believed the look in his eyes was meant for them.
But it wasn't - in that moment, he had tunnel vision, Alexa was all he could see, and his anxiety was suddenly replaced with a calming sense of peace and relief. As their eyes remained locked together, Taylor realized that he was throwing his heart into the music again, that it was effortless instead of forced and fake, and that she'd helped him get to that place.
There were hundreds of eyes on him, but he was focused only on one pair of the deepest, clearest green. As Taylor gripped the microphone and swayed along with the dizzying emotions he'd forgotten he could feel, he was surprised to find that there was nowhere else he'd rather be.
* * * * * * * * *
"You guys were incredible!" Mason gushed, crushing Taylor in a hug so fierce that he was nearly knocked off of his feet.
"Thanks," he laughed, combing his fingers through his hair. He was still riding the wave of post-show euphoria, and the lively chatter around him proved that his brothers were doing the same as their little group walked away from Central Park beneath the falling sunlight.
"I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Dave Matthews, but you guys definitely should have headlined," Mason continued, happily linking arms with Alexa. "You drew in just as much of a crowd as they did, and in my opinion, you rocked ten times harder."
Taylor couldn't help smiling at his friend's infectious enthusiasm. He was endlessly thankful that he was now surrounded by people who not only accepted what he did for a living, but who supported and loved him for it. Playing music had become such a touchy subject where Melanie was concerned that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to truly enjoy his job again. But the afternoon's events had proven him wrong in the best of ways.
Isaac struck up a friendly conversation with the two girls, and since there wasn't enough room for all five of them to walk together along the park's narrow path, Taylor and Zac ended up trailing behind them.
"All things considered, that went pretty well," Zac remarked.
Taylor voiced his honest agreement. The show had gone a million times better than he'd expected. But at that moment, his thoughts drifted from their performance to the pair of hands entwined in front of him. He was filled with a sense of longing so strong that he had to shut his eyes against the feeling. When he opened them, Zac was cocking his head at him, wearing a look of puzzled amusement.
"Everything okay?" he asked.
Taylor nodded quickly, glad that the setting sun had thrown thick shadows all around them. Otherwise, the blush that coated his cheeks would have been all too evident.
"I'm so bummed that I can't go out and party with you guys," Mason said, turning around to flash Taylor a pathetic yet endearing pout. "Working sucks."
"Don't worry, I'll make sure to throw back enough shots for the both of us," Alexa joked, causing Taylor to flush an even deeper shade of red at the memory of what happened the last time they'd taken shots together.
"Aw, aren't you the best girlfriend ever?" Mason cooed, nuzzling her nose into her girlfriend's neck playfully before planting a soft kiss on her lips.
Zac's eyes widened noticeably, and Taylor smirked at his little brother's shocked reaction to the sight of two women being so openly intimate with each other. He might have actually laughed had their simple display of affection not hit him like an unwanted punch to the gut.
"Well, I guess this is goodbye...for now," Mason announced with a sigh, once they had emerged from the park and reached the subway station.
Taylor had invited both girls to the after-party Dave and his band were hosting that night at a local bar, but unfortunately, because it was such short notice, Mason couldn't get out of working the night shift. After wrapping Alexa in a hug and giving her another small kiss, she hugged Taylor and waved at his brothers before disappearing down the stairs toward the subway platform.
For a moment, Alexa looked uneasy, like her security blanket had just been ripped away from her. To make her feel more comfortable, Taylor slung his arm around her small shoulders. He wanted to appear friendly and casual, but deep down he knew that he was really just giving into his desires. It was impossible to be around Alexa without wanting to touch her.
"I'm excited for this party," Taylor spoke up as their group, now made up of only four, made their way toward the bar.
"Me too," Alexa said.
Taylor was pleased to find that she looked and sounded much more content than she had only moments ago. And he had to work hard to hide the smile that threatened to burst forth from his heart when she leaned into him and brushed her fingers gently against his waist, leaving a pattern of delicious, burning imprints in their wake.