Chapter 17:
Taylor's heart was pounding so fiercely that he half-expected it to burst forth from his chest at any given moment. But he didn't want to let Alexa know how much the kiss had rattled him or how much it had meant to him, so he simply smiled and dropped his arms to his sides, trying to appear as calm as he possibly could.
"What an insane day," Alexa said with a little laugh. "First you run into your ex at the park, then I not only ruin our dinner, but burn the hell out of myself in the process, and then we kiss. I'm afraid to find out what happens next..."
Taylor laughed too, mostly thankful that she had decided to make light of their unexpected kiss instead of dwell on it. But there was a part of him that wanted to analyze it. It was the same part of him that felt compelled to read her journal when he knew he shouldn't have. Her lips had melted into his so tenderly; her body fit against his so perfectly. He felt, in her soft musical sighs that hit his neck like little clouds of pleasure when they pulled apart, that perhaps they belonged together. He closed his eyes and tried to push the image and the feelings out of his head, afraid that if he thought about it too much, he'd end up kissing her again.
Taylor sensed that she was watching him, but when he opened his eyes, she quickly looked away. She ran a hand through her hair and let several strands fall into her face, shielding her features and the wide range of emotions that had bloomed in her eyes right before they kissed. Maybe she wasn't as unmoved as she appeared to be. Maybe she too had felt the spark that rushed through his veins and left him nearly breathless. But she didn't say what she was truly thinking. Instead, she hobbled over to the kitchen counter, picked up a handful of takeout menus, and browsed through them with a sigh.
"None of this sounds even half as good as the meal that I stupidly spilled all over myself, but what would you prefer?" she asked. "Pizza again, or Chinese?"
He raised his eyebrows at her, although her head was still bent over the stack of menus so she couldn't see the gesture. It was as though she'd already buried the memory of their kiss and was now consumed with the daunting task of what to order for dinner. He was having such a hard time reading her. What he wouldn't give for another glimpse into her thoughts, if only to convince himself that what just took place between them had, in fact, actually happened and wasn't just a figment of his imagination.
"It's your call," he finally replied with a shrug. "It really doesn't matter to me."
He couldn't bring himself to care about food when her earlier question lingered in the forefront of his mind, begging him for an answer. Was there something going on between him and Alexa? Something more tangible than the words in her journal? Something real?
He felt that he owed it to himself to find out, but he had no clue how to go about doing that. Not without further complicating Mason and Alexa's relationship, his friendship with them, as well as his current living situation.
"Let's go with Chinese," Alexa decided.
If only everything in life could be that simple, Taylor thought while leaning against the counter. But who was he kidding? His life had never been anything close to simple. Why should he expect that to change now?
* * * * * * * * *
Taylor barely saw Alexa during the days that followed, and he was beginning to think that she was avoiding him. When they passed each other in the apartment, it was always a brief exchange. A rushed series of pleasantries that hardly ever contained any real substance. But maybe it was all in his head. Maybe Alexa was simply preoccupied with her job, her relationship, her own busy life. He couldn't blame her for that, could he? Just because his life had come to somewhat of a standstill lately didn't mean that everyone else around him had suddenly stopped moving too.
Taylor wanted to talk to her but hadn't managed to find the right moment to approach the topic that constantly lingered on the tip of his tongue. Every time he crossed paths with Alexa, she was either running out the door or attached to Mason's hip. He told himself time and again that he was fine with their relationship, but he was beginning to seriously question that. It was hard to ignore the subtle but unnerving pinpricks of jealousy he felt whenever he caught them holding hands or cuddling. He was glad that they usually refrained from kissing in his presence, because he wasn't sure he could handle seeing Alexa's lips on anyone else but him.
He flopped onto the living room couch and turned on the TV, embarrassed that he actually recognized the soap opera unfolding on the screen. But before he could get sucked into the drama, his phone vibrated from somewhere beneath him, causing him to jump up as he struggled to release it from the confining pocket of his pants.
"Hello?" He said into the phone, realizing much too late that he hadn't even bothered to see who was calling. What a foolish mistake to make when you're dead set on avoiding certain people.
"Taylor, you're not going to believe this!"
He sucked in a sigh of relief at the sound of Zac's voice. When he thought about all of the people he had absolutely no desire to speak to who could have called him and caught him off-guard, his little brother was definitely the lesser of many evils.
"Believe what?"
"Dave Matthews is playing a show in New York, and he wants us to open for them!"
Say what?
"What...how...?"
"Ike and I ran into him at a jazz club last night," Zac explained excitedly. "He mentioned that he saw you on the news awhile ago, but we brushed it off and said that it was a stupid rumor that hit the tabloids before we could stop it. Anyway, he's doing some fundraiser show for cancer research in Central Park this weekend and seemed really into the idea of adding us to the lineup. I know we haven't practiced in awhile and are a little rusty, but we have time to pull it together. It's not like we have to prepare for a full-length show or anything. Dave said we'll be playing a 6-song set, at most."
"Wait...you guys didn't already agree to this, did you?"
Something in his brother's words, and in the long silence that followed, let him know that the decision had in fact been made without him. Taylor's heartbeat sped up as a mixture of anger, exhilaration, and fear pulsed through him. Half of him couldn't believe his brothers' audacity, but the other half didn't blame them for not bothering to consult him. In fact, he probably deserved it for leaving them and their band high and dry for his own selfish reasons.
"Tay, just think about what an amazing opportunity this is," Zac reasoned. "It's no secret that we've fallen off of the radar lately, and this will be a great way to let our fans know that we're still alive and kicking."
"But we don't even have any of our equipment..."
"We - and you in particular - have so many connections in this city that I'm sure we can find a studio and some instruments to borrow," Zac said calmly. "We've done lots of shows like this on the fly before. We'll figure it out."
"I really don't know about this," Taylor admitted through a conflicted sigh.
He wasn't sure he was ready to face Isaac, or a cheering audience, or the struggles knotted inside of his mind and heart.
"C'mon, man," Zac pleaded. "I know things are difficult for you right now, but music is your life. We've worked way too hard to throw away a chance like this just because you're scared."
"I'm not scared," he muttered.
"Then prove it. Meet us for dinner tonight and we'll talk it out. I'll text you the details."
The dial tone spilled into Taylor's ear, and he threw down his phone and buried his face in his hands. By now, he should have learned to expect the unexpected at all times. But the universe kept finding new ways to throw him off course, to remind him that the control he was so desperately seeking was and would probably always be just out of reach.