Chapter 18:
Taylor stood across the street, staring at the restaurant where he was supposed to meet his brothers for dinner. He saw them walk in and considered turning right back around and going home. He wasn't really sure he was ready for all of this yet. He had come a long way; he even survived facing Melanie, but something about walking into that restaurant and reuniting with his brothers in order to be Hanson - a band, a cohesive unit - again was scaring him. Being Hanson is what ultimately ruined his marriage. He didn't really realize it at first, but maybe being a musician would always be his demise.
Taylor's phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to see a text from Zac.
I see you standing out there, will you just come in already?
Taylor laughed. Turning around wasn't an option now. He couldn't pretend he got stuck underground or mugged in an alleyway. So he took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and dodged the cabs as he jogged across the street.
"It's about time," Zac said as Taylor approached their table. Taylor didn't really acknowledge his comment; he was too busy carefully trying to judge his older brother's mood.
"Hey," Taylor said, sliding into the booth next to Zac.
Isaac looked up from across the table and the two came eye to eye for the first time. Neither really knew what to say, so they just looked at each other.
"Do you have your shit together yet?" Isaac eventually asked.
Taylor went into automatic defense mode. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"You know what it means," Isaac said. "You need to get yourself back on track, and fast. I can't spend my life chasing after you," Isaac said.
"Nobody asked you to spend your life chasing after me. You chose to come here."
"No, I had to come here to make sure you didn't do something stupid like kill yourself."
Taylor rolled his eyes. "I don't need a fucking babysitter, Ike. And in case you didn't notice, this is the first time I've seen you. So obviously I don't need you to take care of me because I'm here and I'm alive."
"Yes, but what have you done since leaving? You're wasting your life. Isn't that just like being dead? Wake up, grow a pair, and get over it. We have work to do."
"Well I'm here, aren't I?"
"For now...but how long will it last?"
"You know what? I came here to talk about music and if we're not going to do that, then I'm leaving. I thought maybe, just maybe, you would be able to just be my brother and accept my decisions as something I needed in my life. I thought that you'd have the decency to not be so fucking hostile and just understand that yes, I am fucked up, but I'm the one that needs to figure things out and it has nothing to do with you. I don't need you trying to make me feel worse. If you want me to do this gig with you then that's the brother I need right now, and if you can't be that person then I have no problem leaving. I don't need this and I sure as hell don't need you," Taylor spat with such venom it actually pushed Ike back into his seat. He surprised everyone, including himself. He had no idea where that strength came from.
"Let's talk music then," Isaac said, his voice firm but quiet.
Taylor exhaled a sigh of relief. Maybe they had finally reached an understanding.
With that behind them, the three brothers were able to discuss details of the Dave Matthews gig like professional musicians. They figured out all the details needed to get instruments, find a rehearsal space, and how they would pull it all off. They walked away from each other that night with feelings of comfort and confidence. Music was what they all knew, what they loved; it was their life, and it was what had been missing.
The following afternoon, with a brand new guitar in hand, Taylor sat down in the living room and began to run through some songs. He knew practicing without his brothers wouldn't accomplish much, but he also wanted to see how it felt to play again. He didn't play guitar on very many songs during a set, but he knew the guitar parts to every song so he could run through whatever he wanted until he was able to get behind a piano. Mason and Alexa were out grocery shopping that afternoon, giving Taylor the privacy to play and sing his heart out.
"We're hoooome!" Mason called, walking in the front door over an hour later. Taylor stopped mid-song at the sound of her voice.
"Hey," he said, standing up and heading over to help them with their handfuls of grocery bags.
"Whatcha doing?" Mason asked as they dropped off the bags in the kitchen.
"Nothing much," he shrugged.
"Is that a guitar I see?" she asked, spotting the new guitar sitting on the couch in the living room.
"Oh...yeah."
"Did you just feel like going out and buying a guitar today?" Mason laughed.
"Well, I did go out and buy it, but my brothers and I have a gig in town next weekend, so that's why."
Both girls stopped in their tracks when he said that and turned to look at him.
"Your brothers?" Alexa repeated.
"Yeah, I met up with them last night. Apparently they ran into Dave Matthews at a jazz club and he wants us to open for him," Taylor explained, trying not to make it sound like a big deal, even though it kind of was.
"That's amazing!" Mason said.
"So everything's good between you and your brothers now?" Alexa asked.
"I don't know if we're good, but we're able to be professional and do a show. Baby steps, you know?"
"Will you play for us?" Mason asked.
Taylor shook his head.
"Oh, come on! I want to hear you sing live!" Alexa chimed in.
"Then come to the show," Taylor offered.
"No, you're so freaking talented just by yourself. I remember," Mason argued. "Play something for us."
"Please?" Alexa asked, turning on the charm as her pretty eyes sparkled.
"Fine," Taylor gave in with a sigh. "What do you want to hear?"
"How about Every Word I Say? It's probably my favorite song of yours," Mason said.
Taylor froze at the mention of that song. Years ago, he had written it for Melanie, and it had quickly become "their" song. He used to love playing it because he knew no matter where he was or where Melanie was, it was a way to bring them together, to bind them as one. It used to make him smile and send a warm tingle throughout his body when he sang it. It was one of his favorites to play on stage. But now, it was giving him heart palpitations of unwanted anxiety. He didn't even consider that some songs were going to be hard to play now that he and Melanie weren't together. It was something he was going to have to learn to get over though, and there was no better time than the present.
The three of them filed into the living room and Taylor picked up his guitar. He took a deep breath before bringing the song to life. The words fell naturally out of his mouth. He barely even had to think at all before his fingers found their way to the familiar chords and he began to sing.
You feel like liberation
You give me new sensation
You show me what I need and
You are my life completed
Can't stop, can't break, who's driving?
Sometimes there's no denying
Till today I feel I can't lose
I'm letting go of what I knew
As the song approached the chorus, his heart started to beat faster. Singing the words about a love that was no longer was much more difficult than he thought it ever could be. He didn't know if he was going to be able to do it.
He looked up and his eyes connected with Alexa's as the words left his mouth with more conviction than he thought possible.
I want you for always
I hear your name in every word I say
I'm a fool and I don't care
I hear your name in every word I say
Maybe the words were true after all.