Chapter 21:
As Alexa scrambled off of him and began tugging on her clothes, her motions rushed and harried, Taylor had no idea what to say or do. His shock was just as strong as his desire, and a haze of disappointment clouded his vision as she buttoned her jeans and smoothed her hair down with a shaky hand. He knew he probably should have put his clothes back on as well, but he couldn't find the energy to move. Eventually, he covered most of his body with the blanket hanging across the back of the couch, his heart thudding loudly in his chest while he fought to catch his breath.
Meanwhile, the person he almost just had sex with - the first woman he would have been with since his wife - had turned away from him and was refusing to meet his eyes. The air between them that was almost unbearably hot mere moments before grew suddenly cold and biting, causing Taylor to shiver beneath the thin afghan.
Yet as the minutes ticked by and she still failed to look at him or offer anything more than a series of troubled sighs, Taylor felt his confusion swiftly morphing into frustration. It wasn't like he had pounced on Alexa out of nowhere. They'd been equally forward with each other, equally invested in what they were doing. But the way she shielded herself from him now made him feel like he was the bad guy, and he wasn't. Not this time.
Taylor knew that many people thought he was a "manwhore," but that was an assumption based on rumors alone - there was no truth behind it. He didn't sleep around and take advantage of his fame and the throngs of desperate female fans that came with the territory. In fact, he hardly paid attention to those women because they didn't know him. And they certainly didn't love him. But Alexa was different. Maybe their recent actions were fueled in part by how much they'd had to drink, but Taylor knew that a very real, very intense attraction existed between them that couldn't be blamed solely on alcohol. The chemistry between them was clear to him from the very start. And while he respected her relationship with Mason and felt horrible for betraying her in any way, Taylor believed that they owed it to each other to explore their feelings. He knew from all too recent personal experience that the person you once vowed to spend the rest of your life with might not be the one you're meant to be with in the end.
"I'm sorry, but I can't do this to Mason," Alexa eventually spoke, her voice just barely above a whisper. "I can't ruin what we have. If she ever finds out what almost just happened, she'd be absolutely crushed. It would break her heart."
"What about your heart?" Taylor countered.
She finally turned around to face him, her red-rimmed eyes slowly meeting his. Her hair was tousled and she was frowning, yet she still looked as beautiful as ever.
"I mean, what is it that you want, Alexa?" he continued, his voice gaining volume and a confidence he hoped he had the right to feel. "Yes, you're with Mason, but do you really, truly want to be?"
He was at once asking her a question and giving her the answer as their eyes locked across the room. Her gaze fell away from his and as she studied the floor without speaking, Taylor finally found the courage to say the words that had been trapped beneath his tongue for the last few weeks.
"I know how much you care about her, Lex. She's my friend, too, and the last thing I want to do is hurt her when she's done so much for me," he began, sucking in a deep breath although he knew that it wouldn't even remotely prepare him for what he was about to say. "But you can't deny what's happening here. I know you have feelings for me, too. I...I read what you wrote."
Her eyes shot up toward his, bathed in an angry darkness. "You did what?"
"The other night, I accidentally knocked your bag off of the counter and your journal fell open on the floor. I know I shouldn't have read it, but I was drunk, and my curiosity got the best of me..."
He trailed off, silenced by the venom pouring from her eyes. He had no idea that it was possible for her to be so cold and distant even though she was standing just a few feet away from him.
"How could you?"
"I'm sorry," he replied honestly, his voice cracking slightly beneath her icy stare. "It's no excuse, but I wasn't in my right mind. I was wasted and feeling so fucked up about everything going on in my life. But in a way, I'm glad I read those words you wrote, because they made me realize that the amazing connection between us is real, that you feel it too, that it doesn't just exist in my own head."
"If you wanted to know how I felt, you should have just asked me, Taylor," she said quietly, the anger in her eyes giving way to a sad disappointment that made him feel even worse.
Although her words weren't delivered cruelly, they stabbed into him nonetheless, making him feel so small, so filled with shame and regret that he wished he could disappear beneath the floorboards and never show his face again.
"I think you should go," she said.
"C'mon, Lex, don't do this," he responded softly. "We need to talk about this - about us."
Taylor stood from the couch then, not caring that he was a disheveled, ridiculous sight wrapped in nothing but a threadbare blanket as he moved across the floor toward her.
But she tensed up visibly and backed away from him, recoiling from his outstretched hand before he even had the chance to touch her. When she reached the doorway, she leaned against the doorframe and closed her eyes for several long moments that seemed to stretch on for hours. When she opened them, he noticed that they were filled with unshed tears that only made them shine even more brightly.
"Don't you get it?" she asked, shaking her head sadly. "There is no 'us'."
And with one last sorrowful look, Alexa left the room, each step she took widening not only the space between them, but the crevice growing deep within his heart. He stared down the hallway for a long time, hoping that she'd come back, but the sound of a door closing followed by the unmistakable click of a lock let him know that his wish would not be granted. Sighing, he padded over to the couch and got dressed before falling back against the cushions.
Time passed in an agonizing fashion, the whole world moving around him in slow motion. When the silence and the solitude became too much to bear, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket with a trembling hand and dialed a familiar number, playing with a large, fraying hole in the leg of his pants as it rang and rang.
"'Lo?" Zac's voice finally crackled across the line, thick with sleep and static.
"Zac...it's me."
"Tay?" he asked, suddenly sounding much more awake and alert. "It's five o'clock in the fucking morning - you do realize that, right? Are you okay?"
"No, I'm really not," he replied truthfully, a mixture of guilt and relief washing over him. He hated waking his brother up at such an ungodly hour but he was glad that he at least had someone to turn to. That was the thing about his siblings - they loved him unconditionally and were always there for him, in spite of how selfish and horrible he'd been. In spite of all of his flaws. "Can I crash in your hotel room for the rest of the night?"
"Yeah, of course."
"Thanks," he replied gratefully. "I'll be there soon."
The line went dead, and Taylor stepped out into the quiet night, the streets filled with shadows. He blinked through the darkness and found that his own eyes were wet with tears, but he didn't feel them. He didn't feel anything. He was cold, empty, numb, and alone.